I wanted to make a fanfic so I made an introduction to what Iwant to write, please read and comment as you like all opinions are accepted.

Name: Naomi Daidoji
Height: 5’4
Weight: 96lb
Age: 16 ( Ed’s 16 and al’s 15)
Eye : Sapphire- blue
Hair: Long, wavy and black
Skin: light brown
Clothing: She likes to wear miniskirts and strapless shirts like Winry’s.
State Alchemist Alias: The Moon Alchemist. She were named like that because she tells people that her name is Yue ( you’ll discover why in the story) and because she vaguely resemble the moon.
Background: When she was little she lived with his brother in a little house at the edge of the forest. She learned alchemy with her brother there and learned for the first time about the Philosopher Stone. One day when she was playing with your teddy bear and her brother was studying, three people broke into her house. One was a woman with long wavy black hair, the other was thin and had spiky green hair, the last one was really fat. Naomi was scared, her brother putted something in his pocket and took Naomi by her hand and ran with her into the forest. Panting, he draw a transmutation circle on the ground and putted Naomi on the center of it he took out what he had putted on his pocket: it was a necklace with a red rock on it, he told Naomi not to be afraid as he putted the necklace on her, he clapped his hands and the transmutation circle started shinning, Naomi felt the stone enter her skin and her body shinned with strange marks, she cried of pain, she fainted and her brother carried her to a secret cave that only he knew its existence, he softly laid her down and went out of the cave and closed the entrance with alchemy. He ran into the forest until hw found the three person that were following him, the woman talked to him: Haru Daidoji, the one that’s created the Philosopher Stone ,I’m Lust, now why don’t you give us the Philosopher Stone, Haru smiled “ you’ll never find it I hided it well”, Lust also smiled “ so you won’t tell us” “no” then the one with green hair approached “then I think we don’t have any use for you anymore” and with that he turned his arm into a blade and trespassed Haru, he felt to the ground, the fat guy looked at Haru with his with , small eyes “ Can I eat him” he asked Lust “No, I’m planning to put you in a diet” and with that the three of them disappeared. Naomi slowly opened her eyes, she saw that she was in a cave and saw that the entrance was closed, she draw an alchemy circle and opened it. She was afraid, she called for her brother but no one responded, she ran into the forest and then she saw her brother’s body laying on the ground surrounded by blood, she ran by her side and started shaking him “ Brother, wake up”, her brother slightly opened his eyes and with quivering voice he said : “ Naomi, run away, become a State Alchemist so you can be save, for those people you saw are homunculus and are after you now” “but why?” “ because now you’re a Black Philosopher Stone” he grabbed her small hand “ take care” those where his last words. Naomi cried in desperation but there was nothing she could do, her brother was dead and he gave her an order and she always obeyed. She buried her brother under a tree, she made a little cross with wood and leaved. After that, she went to Central and became an State Alchemist at the age of 13.

I think your story has potential, but it has a feeling of being rushed. you are trying to incorporate a lot of totally different elements early on, and to me that makes it sound forced. I would say slow down and go back and really plan out what you want to happen and how.

Ask yourself this...

How does her brother know about Homunculus(sp?)? How does he know about the Philosopher's Stone much less have one? Or is that a Red Stone like Dr. Marco's? How does he have the ability to transmute without a circle? As I recall only those who have seen the gate can do that. Does that mean he performed a human transmutation? If so on whom? How old is her brother, and what kind of alchemy did he know that he was able to reproduce the kinds of markings Scar had? Are they Ishbalites? If they are what are they doing learning alchemy? How would becoming a State Alchemist save his sister? Wouldn't it be easier for her to go into hiding somewhere so no one could find her?

I could go on for a while like that, but those are the kinds of things you need to think of. Also don't try to rush the timeline so much. Yes time has to pass, but it's okay to let some scenes play out, before using a transition. And definitely use those. It's a lot easier to read when you understand why time has passed and how much. And if you want to cover a lot of time it's not a bad idea to do a small recap of what's happened in between.

I would suggest that you sit down and seperately write out all of your notes on the story. The things you know to be fact (like what your characters look like), and brainstorm. I must have 6 pages of just brainstorming on what I want to happen in my story, and I'm not even close to done. And, even with that, my story keeps changing on me as I think of ways to make the plot flow more smoothly. I promise you I've rewritten the beginning at least 3 times now, and I might revise again.

In addition, definitely go over the grammar you're using in your dialouge. It's one thing to deliberately, put in mistakes to show accent or speech impediment, but that was painful to read and hard to decipher. Also, don't be afraid of breaking up your scenes into paragraphs more. That makes it tremendously easier to read, and less likely your readers will miss something important.

I hope that helps you out. Good luck in your writing! I look forward to the next draft! :)

thanx, some of the details become clear on the rest of the story but I'll try to make it like the way you suggested it. About my granmar, I'm really sorry, is that I talk spanish and when I write english it gets kind of confusing.
But I'm really gratefull for your suggestions, I'll work on it. :)

ahhhhhh... there are reasons for things! :) I didn't know you spoke english as a second language! congrats on learning then. ummm... in that case you might want to see if you can find a english speaking native to beta read for you so they can help you find, and fix, the mistakes. :)

I will, the only thing is that I am a little shy to show things I write. I posted this story because I want to become a writter and I wanted to see what people though about the way I write.:)

This has much potential , Healing Alchemist gave you some very good comments i would use those ideas to your benefit.

okay here is my comment although there a gramatical mistakes that is easy to fix, but the thing i need is more detail, i am a person that pays attention to a lot of detail (if you need an example of this take a look at CS LEWIS Narnia books or RA Salvatore Sojourn a Legend of Drittz) i feel yes this was rushed and that it lacked some very important drama. When her brother died for example: What was she feeling? what did she want to do? did she want to tell him something? those things. when opening a story with a tragedy you must pour out your heart Imagine someone close to you is dying or has died, how did you feel? did you want to tell them something that you never did? and you know what sometimes when i am writeing a dramatical scence i will think of something very sad and it helps to let that emmotion overwhelm you. if you cry while writeing it everyone else will. I owuld have also loved to know what the little girl felt at that moment when the humumculies came to her door, was she scared. you have to make those emmotions come out, you have to look at yourself and think back to a time in your life when you where hurt, scared, loved, happy; all the emmotions you feel put down. if it makes you scared, happy, sad, angry then you are doing it right. and you know what do not rush it make sure you get every little it out. and do no worry if you cannot find the words to fit, just get some one to read over it. It is commendable of you to post this wonderfull begining on here, and i know it aint easy because there is no spell check on this site, but even if you write it down in Word or whatever first and then rewrite it all on this site, some of those spelling errors will be erased, though i am not trying to pick on you because your english is very good and it takes a lot of guts to post something in english when you are not tottaly used to it8).
I find i always have to rethink scenes in my head when i write a story, sometimes i even just play it out in my mind for a fw days before i actually start writeing. just take time and something great will happen with this story think about character interaction and dialog too. again for action scences in the story you should actually take a look at RA Salvatores Book Sojourn or the Crystal Shard Forgotten Realms Series for a perfect representation of Dialog and Fighting scenes that is what i did for many of my stories, believe me you will be amazed, he used to be a fighter and well the dialog and fighting parts are excellent,just read a bit of ne where there is fighting.
Whew long post but well worth it!! you have much potential and look forward to hearing the next part where you unravel secrets of the past. keep it up you are going somewhere with this 8)(i commend you very much and you are an inspriration to me)

Thanks you and the Healing Alchemist have become really helpfull and you have being really supportive.:):):)

THANX

your welcome anything for a young writer i love to do that. because i am a fan of writeing too. i have been thinking about your story even while i was watching Canadian Idol (singing thing on tv) i was thinking about the different paths you might take, and roads your character Naomi would choose will she be the one to choose the long and curvy path or will she take the wide and straight path that maynot offer much adventure but will still get her to a destination. I hope she chooses the first one. and who will she meet along the way, and will she love or will she be hated. i would love to hear more about this character, keep it up 8)

Ohh another thing, even if my character is named : Moon Alchemist it dosn-t mean that I made her like me. It-s just that I love that name and since this is my first story I wanted to use it.

That's legitament I think... just be careful not to accidentally make her a Mary Sue. It's really easy to do in fanfiction. Especially if you plan to involve romance with one or more main character. Of course, that's all the more reason to have a well developed plot to minimize the problem! :D

What you men when you say Mary Sue?
sorry I'm not used to those terms

A Mary Sue is basically a self-insert. Like in this case since you have a female character you have to be careful to develope her really well or people will accuse you of just putting yourself in the story so you can act out a fantasy with Ed or Al or whomever. You can't entirely get away from it, but extra work on the plot and character will minimize it. :)

It has many spelling errors...

i agree with Healing Alchemist that is that is what happens a lot. i mean sometimes you dont mean too but every once in while all of us do that lol, heck i will admit it. and what i mean in my post when i said the character is some what based on your thoughts well in some ways your past epriances reflect through the character in some ways just like when a artist draws a human face there is always something about the face that look alittle like there own, like usaully with my art i draw exagerated eyes because i have larger eyes (not they aint enormous but you know, i love my eyes and it shows in a lot of my work that i love eyes in general) if this makes any sense. so in certain reas the character is always gonna resemble you a little bit and no matter how you try to keep from doing that it is human tendency to add some things that maybe relate to you as a person. like if you are a real family person your character might be really quick to take some one under her wing. if your outgoing your character might be outgoing. hope fully you get the jist it is just something every atist does just do not cross the lie with the charactr and completely make her you but in a dreamworld. lol 8)

Definitely. Like in my story Erica especially shares my mischevious side as well as my compassionate side, but she is very much her own woman in the end. :) aaaaand I'm not awake enough to come up with anything else right now so I'm gonna leave it at that. :P

Okay, I really worked on this one and I think it's better, but agin I want your opinions. Please read and comment

Name: Naomi Daidoji
Height: 5’4
Weight: 96lb
Age: 16 ( Ed’s 16 and al’s 15)
Eye : Sapphire- blue
Hair: Long, wavy and black
Skin: light brown
Clothing: She likes to wear miniskirts and strapless shirts like Winry’s.
State Alchemist Alias: The Moon Alchemist. She were named like that because she tells people that her name is Yue ( you’ll discover why in the story) and because she vaguely resemble the moon.

Family: She had a brother that died when she was seven (he was seventeen years old). He was a passionate student of alchemy . His father was Ishbalite but her mother was one of the people that went with the Rockbels to help in the war. When he was sixteen his parents died and he went ,with his little four-years old sister, to live on a country called Celes. Even being half Ishbalite he studied alchemy with all his heart and taught also his little sister. It didn’t pass much until he learned about the Philosopher Stone( you’ll learn important facts about him in the story) and manage to create one ( you’ll see how) but kept it as a secret.

Background: When she was little she lived with his brother in a little house at the edge of the forest. She learned alchemy with her brother there and learned for the first time about the Philosopher Stone.
One day when she was playing with her teddy bear and her brother was studying and suddenly three people broke into her house. One was a woman with long wavy black hair, the other was thin and had spiky green hair, the last one was really fat. When Naomi saw them, at the beginning it was hard for her to understand what was happening, being only seven years old, but when she looked into those cold, evil eyes, her heartbeat went faster and her hands went cold, they weren’t good people, that she knew, she hugged her teddy bear and ran toward her brother looking for protection, her brother putted something in his pocket and took Naomi and carried her into the forest. Panting, he draw a transmutation circle on the ground and putted Naomi on the center of it ,he took out what he had putted on his pocket: it was a necklace with a red rock on it, he told Naomi not to be afraid as he putted the necklace on her, he clapped his hands and the transmutation circle started shinning, Naomi felt the stone enter her skin and her body shinned with strange marks, she cried of pain, she fainted and her brother carried her to a secret cave that only he knew of its existence, he softly laid her down and went out of the cave and closed the entrance with alchemy ( with a transmutation circle obviously).
He ran into the forest until he found the three person that were following him. The woman talked to him: Haru Daidoji, so you have finally created the Philosopher Stone ,I’m Lust. Now why don’t you give us what we came looking for?”, Haru smiled “ you’ll never find it, I have hidden it well”, Lust also smiled “ so you won’t tell us where it is?” “no”. Then the one with green hair approached “then I think we don’t have any use for you anymore” and with that he turned his arm into a blade and trespassed Haru, he felt to the ground. The fat guy looked at Haru with his white , small eyes “ Can I eat him?” he asked Lust “No, Gluttony, I’m planning to put you in a diet” and with that the three of them disappeared.

Naomi slowly opened her eyes, she saw that she was in a cave and saw that the entrance was closed, she draw an alchemy circle and opened it. She felt lost and weak, her small legs barely held her , she called for her brother but no one responded, she ran into the forest and then she saw her brother’s body laying on the ground surrounded by blood, she ran by her side and started shaking him “ Brother, brother, pliss wake up”, her brother slightly opened his eyes and with quivering voice he said : “ Naomi, run away from this place is not safe for you anymore, for those people you saw are homunculi and will be after you now” “but why? And how do you know they are homunculis?” you remembered your brother had told you what homunculis were: creature with no soul and amazing body abilities “ Doesn’t matter how I know that they are homunculis, the only important thing is that they are going to be after you because now you’re a Black Philosopher Stone and you hold an immense power” he grabbed her small hand and softly smiled “ take care”, those where his last words.

Naomi cried in desperation, she wanted to all of this to be a nightmare, she wished she had never seeing those eyes and that it wasn’t her brother’s body lying dead on the ground covered with blood. She was scared and cold, the night was coming and also the rain started to fall. She felt so lonely, first her parents and now her brother, it couldn’t be, she would close her eyes and when she opened them she would be waking up from a nightmare and her brother would come and hug her and look at her with his soft blue eyes and he would tell her something about the alchemy that they both loved. She opened her eyes… nothing had changed…she wasn’t having a nightmare, she was living one ,there was nothing she could do, her brother was dead and he gave her an order and she always obeyed. She buried her brother under a tree, she made a little cross with wood and leaved. After that, she wandered far away from her country , leaving all she knew and loved behind.

One day about a year later, a small girl from about her age with red hair and big golden eyes and her mother found her. Naomi had being sleeping where ever she found a place, she didn’t have a home and she was too young to work so she didn’t have money to stay on a decent place. The small girl pulled her mothers sleeve and whispered something on her ears her mother smiled and extended her hand to Naomi “Do you want to come with me?” she softly said, Naomi looked with her big eyes starring at that kind woman, she knew the woman was kind because her eye had the same soft sparkle her brother’s eyes had, she nodded and went with her. The red hair girl smiled at you and said cheerfully to Naomi: “Hi! My name is Feanor, nice to meet you”. Naomi looked curiously at her, she was also a nice person so she managed to smile “My name is…Naomi..”. They guided Naomi to the place they lived and they gave her nice, clean cloths after she took a bath, for the first time in a long time, she had enough to eat, when Naomi went to sleep that night she felt like she was once again safe.

Naomi grow up on that house, each day she would go to a close library and read about alchemy or she would play with Feanor who had became like sister to her. Naomi became really skilled with alchemy and one day when she was about to become twelve, she heard that a boy of twelve had become a State Alchemist so you decided that you wanted to become one, all over this years there was three things you wanted mostly on the world: your brother’s revenge, learn how to control the Black Philosopher Stone and to protect the family that had taken you as your own. So you decided one day to go to Central and take the State Alchemist exam , you took it and later became a State Alchemist at the age of 13.

That was MUCH better. :D

I did notice a discrepancy in the timeline though. Ed and Winry were at least 6 when Winry's parents were called out to the Ishbal rebellion so you'll need to find a different reason for her mom to have been there sooner. Otherwise when she meets the boys the ages will be all wrong.

Also, I still get the feeling that you are trying to rush through the setup for them to meet the guys. I'm not entierly sure if that's because you are trying to write a synopsis, or if this was meant to be a first chapter. If it was a synopsis then it's fine as is, but if it was a first chapter you need to slow it down more.

For example: In my story the main character is writing in a journal. That's all it is. Journal entries. Eventually we'll get to dialouge and such, but not for a long time. Nevertheless I spent several entries introducing the people that will come into play later. It's not until 3 or 4 entries in that you find out how she and her sister meet Ed and Al.

I'm not saying that you have to take a long time, but see if you can find a balance between getting to the part where she meets the guys, and letting her own story play out. You know? This is her life. We should know it more. :)

As a side note I still found a few spelling errors and such (though it is much improved over the last one!). I know english is not your first language, so I'm willing to work with you a little on that if you like. :)

Thanx I would like that very much. And this is a synopsis.

M'kay. Then feel free to e-mail me at kytrin@gmail.com when you have something you want me to look over :) I won't have much time for the next few days to do a lot of detailed stuff since I'm working, but I'll be off soon, and I'll be happy to go over what you have then. (I work graveyard 8 days on and 6 off so...) Otherwise I think you've improved greatly. Keep it up! :)

i applaud you. very good, you touched my heart with your words. ok i am gonna put it in order:
1) the use of description. when you described Naomi as a little girl palying with her teddy, and then the humonculi came in she she hugged the teddy and ran to her brother; this is what i saw in my mind; i saw Naomi runnning with her teddy held close right to her brother like a ittle kid does when they are scared and the grab at your pannt leg because kids are good judge of character, it was beautiful iillastration.
2) the second most trgic part that made my throat get the little lump in the back was when her brother was saying his last words it made my heart ache thinking about it, and then wehn you described how she felt. very good Moon!!
3)when se was alone in the world nothing left for her; that was a good spot you did not over power the feeling by to many words you let the reader go back to a time when they felt sad and alone in the world. Great use of getting the rader to work their imagineation!!
4)The little red head girl Feanor (girl you use the name well, i loves it, and she has red hair and so do i) you made my heart excited and happy of this new freindship, this was a great adition, i hope Naomi always stays freinds with this firey red head. (the only thing do not repeat the Ed Al And Nina story that is all i ask, lol)
5)excellent use of paragraphs: they break your thoughts up and make it easy to read.
6) Your Spelling in this one is much better: i commend you never let anyone tell you, you dont learn quick, because goodness you made some great impovements!!
7) always good to set up your plot early on: you did this well, i have to admit i am messy in that way i wait to see what happens before i make a plot and that is not good, but you got the hang of that early on in the story, although i hope you tke some really interesting turns by adding some twists and turns to the story that make the reader really wonder what will happen?
8: you end the chapter right on a cliff hanger making everyone wonder what is next. what new things will unfold in this next chapter that Moon has to offer and what will happen to Feanor< and most of all Naomi.

The only thing personally i find hard to get is the You and Your. okay as in "So you decided one day to go to Central..." and "Your brother's revenge.." I am not sure if you are trying to make this a sort of RP based story (Role Playing: your making the reader feel like they are the character) or is it just a little typo. if you do the RP thing be consistent in it (always do it not just sometimes) it can get sort of confusing but i just put in my head as he or she, it is just easier for me. Hey but NO BIG DEAL, it is just me i have a hard time with that everyonce in a while.
One last thing: do not make your story into Full Metal Alchemist that should actually only be a subplot to the story, and yeah maybe the elric brothers have some interaction with this character but make sur eyou do not become a repeater of the Full Metal Alchemist Story ok. make the FMA story your guidelines. dont add your character just into the the FMA story doing all the thing along sid ethe elric brothers. That is all i hope you understand what i mean by that.
Otherwise i have no problems with your story you have improved much and i cannot wait till your next entry. please keep me posted. i really truley enjoyed it very much!!! and you mad eme proud you took to heart the advise from Healing Alchemist and Also me. and you know what that is very commendable, i am so proud of you 8) and i know it was hard the frist few comments from us two because sometimes people find that hard to take, but you did very well, and you know what i am very capable of overlooking spelling mistakes because i make a lot and i have a learning disabilty in reading and writeing called Dislexia (this is where it can be very challenging to read and write and it is really hard to spell for me i used to never read or write till i was about 14 to tell you the truth, but now i read and write because i have discovered the only way to over come this learning disability is to always practice reading and writeing and spelling i am still not as good as some people) so i really know how you feel when your writeing and your not sure if you spelt something right or even put the right words, see i can get the idea of what you are saying because i am really good at figuring that type of stuff out. i must admit it is so hard to write and spell in english language and that is the only one i speak, and it is even harder for you i am sure, So very good job and i am sooo proud of you (it is ok to boast about that to other people!! i would do that if i where you) 8) (she claps her hands and yells encore encore!!!)

sorry for that post being so longg i appologize but i have to let you know what i think about your work!!!!

okay I'll contact you from a friend of mine e-mail (mine is busted) but feel free to reply she won't mind

okay I'll contact you from a friend of mine e-mail (mine is busted) but feel free to reply she won't mind

ignore those last post I got confused

And yoguys, I must tell you that you have beeing really helpfull, you have being honest and supportive. You have really inspired me and you make me want to do my very best. Oh right! sorry about the parts that sai "your" or "you2 is that later I want to make the story RP but I got confused and messed it up with the introduction, sorry. But seriously thanx (crying with tear of happiness):)8);)

i need help. i was watching all the fma episodes on youtube and the only complete english ones were by someone named Himowa and he/she erased them all and i was only on number 8!!!!!!!!(wwwwwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) if you know this Himowa can you qlease ask them to puth them back on? or can someone put them on in english please??? i love fma and i am reduced to watchin japanese with english subtitles which really sux cause i can't speak japanese. if ChiZeRenae from youtube reads the discussion board PLEASE DO NOT ERASE YOUR FMA VIDEOS. so can anybody put some on in english please. i'm beggin you. i want my fma.x(

You could try watching them on animecrave.com. It'll cost you $5 for a month, but they are all english there. I warn you they have buffering issues so take a large dose of patience with you when you watch!

And you are quite welcome Moon. :) It's fun to encourage people, and thanks to you I'm working up the courage to post some of my stuff here for review too. Not there yet, but working on it! :)

As a side note to Lost Alchemist... I would like to point out that it IS possible for a unfamiliar character to be part of the anime itself. Cause that's exactly what I'm doing :P But I whole heartedly agree that you have to be extremely careful, and it generally can't be done or you get something silly.

P.S. the last post was by me as well... I forgot to type in my name :P

haha i know it is possible just impossible to me lol 8P haha but i am glad you agree with the other part of my words lol. that post took me so freakin long i promise i will not make it so long next time. lol

And i agree with the Healer i am tempted very much to put something on this site though i am very scared too because ummm i am this obesessive compulsive person that is so obesessive about what people will think will thy like it hate it and what not and it will be all that i think about (seriously i emailed a story to a freind to tell me what he thought and for two weeks i was only thinking about it and weather i suucked or not.) 8( but i still dont reallyy know if i will post anything though ast night i was thinking about a story line and well something came to me, but i do not want it to sound like everyone elses stuff.

Moon i tottaly understand the Yours and You thing you where experimenting lol i do the same and never appologize to me lol unless yo make fun of me or something but other wise dont appologize cause it makes me have to think did i word that wrong or something whooot (hey i aint mad it is just that ometimes people take me all wrong) lol no worries 8)

Healing Alchemist: I would LOVE to see some of your work. You give so good advices that I bet your work must be incredible. Pliss post it, I'll be sure to read it. I love to read so don't worry if it's long I am a fast reader.
Can't wait to read your work!!!!8)

Lost Alchemist if you don't want me to aplogize then I wont do it, and don't worry what peolpe might think, "loving your work and thinking that it's important,. Can anything be any better?" that's what I always think, so don't worry and post your story, you bet I will read it. 8):)

lol well maybe i will come up with something though i may make good comments sometimes i am scared that people wil be like what the heck is she talking about.. but who cares if it turns out really horrible then so what i will know what to improve on lol. i will start thinking and writeing but i sorta just want to write something related to FMA but my own sort of thing though i dont like adding to stories but maybe i will try something i was thinking of doing like a thing not about the leric brothers but maybe a short on Armstrong, Hughes, and Mustang when they where younger about maybe like late teens and something they came across one day. how does that sound and i will make a character. lol i though aboout it and well i wanna here about those three to make a different twist to the norm of the elric brothers (what you tink)

Great Idea!!! Now that's what I call original!! I can see it: Armstrong going everyday to the gym, Hughes talking all the time about theat girl called Gracia and Mustang alway surrounded by girls and having a hot temper.8)I can't wait to read it!!!!

Oh!1 and see if any of you can help me with something I posted in the thread HELP ME!!!

Lost Alchemist, really that is such a good idea. I mean is really original from you to try doing something of those three instead of the elric brothers... HIP HIP HOORAY FOR YOU!!!!!!
That has opened new ideas on my mind. THANX!!!! ( revending you)

lol i am glad it helped ye come up with some ideas i love doing that i am also good at it cause sometimes i do think outsid ethe box lol 8)

Boxes? We don't need no stinking boxes! We have transmutaion circles! ;)

HAHAHA!!!!:)

ok sometimes i think outside the trasmutation circle and come up with a whole new design. any who i have been really thinking this story over and i will start it tomorow, all the info looking up lol. haha you are such a whitty litttle HEALER!!! 8P

HAHAHAHA!!! I'm glad you approve! ^^ It's nice to be appreciated. Though I have to confess I wrote that about 45 minutes after I woke up so I wasn't very concious... :P

I'll give a cookie to the first person who can identify the quote I parodied :D

Okay Moon and Lost you've asked for something of my work. Here you go. It's a experpt that describes how Kit and Erica met Al. It's not anywhere near what I would call complete, but it's acceptable. I hope you enjoy! :)

February 4,

I didn’t write anything yesterday because yesterday was an ordinary day.  Nothing strange or unusual happened, and Kit and I lived peacefully.  Now I would give anything to have that kind of ordinary again.  Because I don’t think I ever will.  Let me start at the beginning…  It happened last night.  Kit and I were with Kado going over our research and lessons for the night when Kado suddenly grabbed his chest like he was in pain.  He just stood there hanging onto the table for a minute completely ignoring us.  When he could stand again there was… rage is the only word I can think of… in his eyes.  He suddenly rushed out to where his body is, howling about sinners and taboos.  When Kit and I caught up to him it was in time to see a boy about our age in front of Kado’s true form holding his arm and screaming.  He didn’t seem to notice us, but Kado certainly did.  The expression on his face was terrifying.  He told us that we were about to see what happened to those who dared disrupt the flow of life energy.  When I asked him what was going on he said that this boy and his brother had attempted a human transmutation.  That they’d tried to bring their dead mother back to life, and now they were going to pay the price.

I don’t know why I did what I did next. Maybe it’s because I’m an older sister. Or maybe it’s because I don’t like to see innocent people hurt. I don’t know. All I know is that his screams were like a knife in my heart, and I couldn’t bear them a moment longer. I didn’t think. I just rushed to his side with every intention of pulling him to safety. I only dimly remember Kado calling out to stop me. That’s when I heard them. The voices of the beings inside Kado. They told me that this was the punishment, and I shouldn’t interfere. Guardian or not. I screamed at them that they were being unfair. How was it right to punish a boy no older than me for something I might’ve done had I known?

I remember asking what the usual price for a human transmutation was. They said that in an adult it was the taking of a body part or organ, and being shown the depths of the knowledge Kado held since they were not going to get the one they tried to resurrect back. In this case to satisfy Equivalent Exchange, the elder brother would lose his leg, and gain the knowledge. The younger, the one I was holding, would lose his life.

I am an older sister. Since we’re twins it’s not by much. But I am still an older sister. And I know the agony I would feel if I lost Kit like that. It would break me. It’s an elder’s job to protect their younger siblings, and in that moment it did not matter to me that the boy in my arms was not related to me by blood. All I saw was a younger brother about to die. I couldn’t let it happen. Apparently Kit couldn’t either because the next thing I knew she was standing between me and the Gate yelling at me to heal the boy while she held them off. I didn’t even hesitate and concentrated all of the healing alchemy I’d learned so far on him. I was focusing so hard I couldn’t entirely understand what Kit was shouting at Kado. Though I seem to recall her shouting at Kado to grow a heart sometime. My sister rules!

Kado was furious. He demanded that we stop defying him, and do as he says. We both told him to go to hell. He may posses more knowledge than we could ever dream of, but that obviously didn’t mean he knew what it meant to be human, and if he thought we were going to be quiet puppets he was sorely mistaken. And if that’s what he really wanted he could just get himself some new Guardians. It felt like we stayed like that for an eternity, but Kado finally agreed not to kill the younger brother. He was insistent that a price had to be paid though for his sin, so he told us that he would keep the boy’s body inside the Gate, and show his brother how to bind his spirit to something thus keeping him alive. We were sure that the binding would cost the elder something, but we couldn’t think of anything else so we had to agree and released the boy.

It worked. Kado was true to his word. He showed the elder brother what he needed to know, and the boy wasted no time in activating the blood seal to rescue him. It cost him his right arm. I hope he’s alright. Of course that’s not the end of it… Kado had not forgiven us defying him like that. He told us that as punishment we would each be bound to one of the brothers. Our spirits will be forced to follow them watching their lives while we slept, but unable to interact with them in any way until we found a way to Amestris and stayed there permanently. I can still feel the fury inside me as I think of it… He told us that Guardians had no business defying their master. I punched him square in the jaw, and told him we belonged to no one, and I would defy him for eternity if it meant doing what’s right and not blindly following a dumbass who doesn’t even know the meaning of compassion! Kit says he looked surprised. I was so angry I don’t remember.

The first paragraph is buggered, and I can't seem to fix it. Sorry. please bear with it.

Wow i really am intrigued by this story. (ok can i just ask are the bound to Al and Ed? just to make sure) Their is a welll thought out story and a really different twist Jeepers that is so weird but at the same time really cool. all i can say is WOW!
Ok how the heck did you come up with this, you must deffinitely think outside the transmutation circle, because that was like a parrallel universe type introduction to your story. i am still a little grey in some areas buti am sure all will be explained in further entries.
i really love the jornal entry style of writeing because it brings th reader to a whole new perspective like i personally am being told the story, it also adds to visaulization, and in some areas really brings the story to life. this is well written though it did start a little quick that i had to read back and try and figure things out because i was a little confused i think all it is, is that it is just a tottaly different twist that really no one is expecting, but hey it dont take much to confuse me hahaha though it reminded me of an episode of Stargate but in an Alchemy sort of way, but excellent work!!! i wnat to hear more please !!!

I have a question:
when you post these stories i was wondeering when i post mine i first always write them on Mircosoft Word is there any way to copy and paste it or will it mess up, because i tried that before and i got some wierd thing come up saying post expried or something so i was just wondering, because i have a lot of problems with spelling and grammer and dont want people to read it and be like what the heck? so if any one knows please could you tell me.
I also am trying to find out how old is:
Crimsom Alchemist (what s his real name)
Armstrong
Maes Huges
and i think Mustang is ummm 30 or something
please if you know the answers please could you tell me

Wow I'm so glad you like it :) That post was actually a excerpt a couple of entries in. I have some ones before that to introduce Kado, Kitrin, Erica, and Master Shin. But I thought it would be neater to show how they became bound to Ed and Al since that's the key point to the rest of the story.

As to how I came up with it... I have no idea :P It was kind of a cascade of thought from some other fanfics I read, and that's what came of it. It's still far from finished, and very rough I think, but I'm having a wonderful time working on it so you will definitely see it on fanfiction.net. :) One things for sure it's NOT short. Everytime I think I've thought up an ending something else crops up. I'll have a novel at this rate!

In reference to your other post... I did copy directy from word. I was at work so I didn't have time to retype things, and actually do my job too. It screwed up the first paragraph, but other than that worked pretty good. I just wish there was a way to go back and edit or preview posts. And wikipedia might have some info for you on the ages of the alchemists you're interested in. Though I always thought Kimblee (or however you spell his name) looked like he was somewhere in his mid to late 20's.

Thank you again for your wonderful review! :) I'm going to bed now...

Wow!! Healing Alchemist, that was sooooo...hmmm. I cannot find the words to describe it, I guess I'll just have to stick to TOTLALLY AWESOME!!!!! That's what I call a creative mind!1 I can't wait to read the next part. Even if I don't understand somethings ( don't worry is just that since nglish is not my first language) but I can get the main idea and I think it's great!1 Keep posting I want to read more!!8)

Now I understand. You did a gret job developing the story to what happened to Al inside the gate.

I copied and pasted mine from Word to this page, so I don't know why it gives you that problem Lost Alchemist. Anyhow I found this maybe it can help you:
Roy Mustang:He is around 29-30 years old, as stated in the bonus pages of volume 4 of the manga. In the FMA Perfect Guidebook two, there is a timeline which states that Roy was born in the year 1885.

This is Kimblee's complete name: Zolf J. Kimblee

This are some curious facts I think that might help you Lost Alchemist:

The General who played chess with Roy in the Eastern Headquarters is General Grumman, Riza's grandfather.[26] General Grumman said that he will give his granddaughter to the "future president of Amestris." ( might this be another reason why Mustang wanted to become Fuhrer)

oooo thank you guys this was great. ok i have an excellent idea maybe ummm oh i dont know but after i am done the pic for Moon i will get right on it lol (it is almost done by the way) umm i want to make it about Kimblee a good side and maybe a different explanation to why he is a baddy if they gave one in the story i am not sure, ummm i really thought maybe f i dug deep into his soul you might find a heart that was longing for something that was take away from him and well i always think people even if they are bad have a kind side that was destroyed by some awful thing. so i cam up with an idea i want to also incorperate a young Armstrong, Roy, and Huges unless it is like tottaly impossible, i still have not found a name for the girl that is gonna be in it, it will surely come though because names always come once the character start becoming human to me and having a personality she will get a name that befit her persona. that is how i veiw it lol. haha but i should have the youn kimblee figured out when ummm i dig for answers but let me tell you i have been thinking and devising plans in my head all yesterday and today and well i am slowly comeing up with something whooot cannot wait to see what happens myself actually let alone what you guys will think. lol i will make a new thread for it if that is ok or unless you want me to put it on this one but i think i might just make a new thread because i dont want to overwealm this one, and if it sucks i dont want someone to be like what the heck this one sucks!!! aghhhh that would be horrible but tend to one that is what it will be. 8(

I"m sure your work will be just fine Lost :) Relax, and stop worrying about weather or not we will like it. Write for the pure joy of writing. If you are too wound up over reviews and stuff you won't take the time to enjoy your work, and make it the best you possibly can. After all we don't just write for them. We write for ourselves as well.

Oh and thank you Moon for the wonderful review :) I'm really glad you liked it... I was gonna say something else, but I forgot what. I think that's a sign from god it's time for a shower and caffeine. :P

ooo you make it so better i should not care about it. soo i wont that is trivial and will never get me anywhere thanks 8)

Lost,I know you have talent and I bet your story will be awesome so START WORKING AND POST IT QUICK!!!!! I want to read it!!!

i have some of it done actually just like a prologue and every thing to introduce the main characters lol. i will post it asap SO YOU CAN READ IT!! 8P lol i have no idea what to call it. but it is about the Crimsom Alchemist and a girl named Earendil aka Earen she is very sick (dont ask) and she meets this person one day named Zolf J Kimblee. what i am trying to do with this is make an expplanation to why Kimblee is the way he is. i am sure deep down he aint such a bad guy. Let me tell you finding out information about a character that aint major is really hard and at times frustrating, but slowly i am strating to peoce together a few things. but i really dont have much to go by, like how old he is or nothing like that. it really dont matter though i am saying he is a younger version, well actually maybe not because i am trying to make it before he goes to Ishbal. lol but some how i am going to intertwine Armstrong, Mustang and maybe Huges. lol this is going to have quite a bit of dialog in it so i hope you are all ready for it.

I'm ready

Earendil? That sounds elvish. I like it :) And I had a thought for you... if you wanted to incorporate everyone in maybe you could say that they all met at some kind of state alchemists basic training? I mean obviously they had to learn how to salute and stuff somewhere right?

That-s a cool name. I like it!!!

That last post is mine. I forgot to put my name..

Thanks it means either "Ocean Friend" or "Ocean Lover" it is the name of the morning star also in Lord of the Rings and the evening star. lol i really like the sound of that. haha i love Elvish it rocks for making names.haha

Ok so here is the story again, please read completely because I made some changes. Hope you enjoy!!

Name: Naomi Daidoji
Height: 5’4
Weight: 96lb
Age: 15 (Ed’s 16 and Al’s 15)
Eyes: Sapphire- blue
Hair: Long, wavy and black
Skin: light brown
Clothing: She likes to wear miniskirts and strapless shirts like Winry’s.
State Alchemist Alias: The Moon Alchemist. She was named like that because she tells people that her name is Yue (you’ll discover why in the story) and because she vaguely resembles the moon.

Family: She had a brother that died when she was seven (he was seventeen years old). He was a passionate student of alchemy. His father was Ishbalite but her mother was working on the military’s “First Aid” and later started helping the Rockbells on their work with the Ishbalites. When he was sixteen his parents died and he went, with his little four-year old sister, to live on a country called Celes. Even being half Ishbalite he studied alchemy with all his heart and taught also his little sister. It didn’t pass much until he learned about the Philosopher Stone (you’ll learn important facts about him in the story) and manage to create one (you’ll see how) but kept it as a secret.

Background: When she was little she lived with his brother in a little house at the edge of the forest. She learned alchemy with her brother there and learned for the first time about the Philosopher Stone.
One day when she was playing with her teddy bear and her brother was studying and suddenly three people broke into her house. One was a woman with long wavy black hair, the other was thin and had spiky green hair, and the last one was really fat. When Naomi saw them, at the beginning it was hard for her to understand what was happening, being only seven years old, but when she looked into those cold, evil eyes, her heartbeat went faster and her hands went cold, they weren’t good people, that she knew, she hugged her teddy bear and ran toward her brother looking for protection, her brother putted something in his pocket and took Naomi and carried her into the forest. Panting, he draw a transmutation circle on the ground and putted Naomi on the center of it, he took out what he had putted on his pocket: it was a necklace with a red rock on it, he told Naomi not to be afraid as he putted the necklace on her, he clapped his hands and the transmutation circle started shinning, Naomi felt the stone enter her skin and her body shinned with strange marks, she cried of pain, she fainted and her brother carried her to a secret cave that only he knew of its existence, he softly laid her down and went out of the cave and closed the entrance with alchemy ( with a transmutation circle obviously).
He ran into the forest until he found the three people that were following him. The woman talked to him: ¨Haru Daidoji, so you have finally created the Philosopher Stone, I’m Lust. Now why don’t you give us what we came looking for?” Haru smiled “you’ll never find it, I have hidden it well”, Lust also smiled “so you won’t tell us where it is?” “No”. Then the one with green hair approached “then I think we don’t have any use for you anymore” and with that he turned his arm into a blade and trespassed Haru, he felt to the ground. The fat guy looked at Haru with his white, small eyes “Can I eat him?” he asked Lust “No, Gluttony, I’m planning to put you in a diet” and with that the three of them disappeared.
Naomi slowly opened her eyes, she saw that she was in a cave and saw that the entrance was closed, she draw an alchemy circle and opened it. She felt lost and weak, her small legs barely held her, she called for her brother but no one responded, she ran into the forest and then she saw her brother’s body laying on the ground surrounded by blood, she ran by her side and started shaking him “ Brother, brother, pliss wake up”, her brother slightly opened his eyes and with quivering voice he said: “ Naomi… run away from this place is not safe for you anymore… for those people you saw are homunculi and will be after you now” “but why? And how do you know they are homunculi?” you remembered your brother had told you what homunculi were: Either because of love or out of foolish curiosity, human transmutations are attempted. And when these attempts all backfire, a different life is created. A being that has its own body and mind, but no soul. That is how the damned are born. That is homunculi! “ Doesn’t matter how I know that they are homunculi, the only important thing is that they are going to be after you because now you’re a Black Philosopher Stone and you hold an immense power” he grabbed her small hand and softly smiled “ take care”, those where his last words.
Naomi cried in desperation, she wanted to all of this to be a nightmare; she wished she had never seeing those eyes and that it wasn’t her brother’s body lying dead on the ground covered with blood. She was scared and cold, the night was coming and also the rain started to fall. She felt so lonely, first her parents and now her brother, it couldn’t be, she would close her eyes and when she opened them she would be waking up from a nightmare and her brother would come and hug her and look at her with his soft blue eyes and he would tell her something about the alchemy that they both loved. She opened her eyes… nothing had changed…she wasn’t having a nightmare, she was living one, there was nothing she could do, her brother was dead and he gave her an order and she always obeyed. She buried her brother under a tree; she made a little cross with wood and leaved. After that, she wandered far away from her country, leaving all she knew and loved behind.

One day about a year later, a small girl from about Naomi’s age with red hair and big golden eyes and her mother found Naomi. Naomi had being sleeping wherever she found a place, she didn’t have a home and she was too young to work so she didn’t have money to stay on a decent place. The small girl pulled her mothers sleeve and whispered something on her ears her mother smiled and extended her hand to Naomi “Do you want to come with me?” she softly said, Naomi looked with her big eyes at that kind woman, she knew the woman was kind because her eyes had the same soft, kind sparkle her brother’s eyes had, she nodded and went with her. The red hair girl smiled at her and said cheerfully to Naomi: “Hi! My name is Feanor, nice to meet you”. Naomi looked curiously at her; she was also a nice person so she managed to smile “My name is…Naomi.” They guided Naomi to the place they lived and they gave her nice, clean cloths after she took a bath, for the first time in a long time, she had enough to eat, when Naomi went to sleep that night she felt like she was once again safe.

Naomi grow up on that house, each day she would go to a close library and read about alchemy or she would play with Feanor who had became like sister to her. Naomi became really skilled with alchemy and one day when she was about to become twelve, she heard that a boy of twelve had become a State Alchemist so she decided that she wanted to become one, all over this years there was three things she wanted mostly on the world: Her brother’s revenge, learn how to control the Black Philosopher Stone and to protect the family that had taken her as their own. So she decided one day to go to Central and take the State Alchemist exam, she took it and later became a State Alchemist at the age of 13.

CHAPTER 1

Naomi’s Point Of View

You were sleeping on your room, when the sunlight broke from your window into your room and made you come out of bed. You took a quick, hot shower and started dressing. You putted a short black miniskirts and a black, short strapless shirt, when you were putting your black boots on, you remembered that Roy had told you that today he had something important to tell you. You took you a look of yourself on the mirror and removed a bang of hair and putted it behind your ear. It had being two years since you had become a State Alchemist and had being traveling to lots of places but you haven’t seeing any of those homunculi and neither have learned anything on how to use your Black Philosopher Stone, at least your family was safe, you looked into your desk, a letter from Feanor laid opened there, you had read it yesterday, it said:

Dear Naomi:
How are you feeling? I am ok, mom and dad are getting a bit old but they are still fine, dad doesn’t quit on his dumb jokes even if I tell him to stop. However, how’s everything on Central? On your last letter you sounded tired, I bet they are making you work a lot, anyway I know you are doing your best as always. I hope that you find “someone special over there” you know what I mean Naomi, a girl as pretty as you must have a lot of options for guys over there. Write to me as soon as you have time, I’ll be waiting for your letters, I have to go, John is waiting downstairs, mom and dad sends you their regards.

                                                                            Your friend: Feanor
                                                                                   Aka:  Fea

P.S. Seriously find someone fast.

You laughed remembering that letter, Feanor as always tried to cheer you up on her letters, and it looked like she has started dating John, the guy she had talked about on her last letters, you were glad for her and a little sorry for John, he would have to deal with a very crazy girl. Then you smiled softly, Feanor had told you to find someone special, it was not the first time she had told you that, it’s just that you haven’t found anyone yet, the kind of guy you were waiting for would probably never appear and besides you would put his life in danger.
You looked away from the mirror and headed outside the door “I’m sorry Feanor but I will probably never fall in love” you sighted. The day was sunny and bright, you walked down the streets and headed to the Military’s, when you got there, you were walking down the hall when you saw Hawkeye, you saluted her and she saluted back. “Moon Alchemist, General Mustang wants to see you at his office.” “Got it”, you headed right into Mustang’s office.

Roy’s POV

You were sitting behind your desk and you were talking to Ed and Al: “Ed, I think you and Al need a little help, since your search for the Philosopher Stone hasn’t being very fructose, and you have four years since you started searching for it”. Ed looked away annoyed “We can do it alone, we don’t need any help” Al faced you “So what kind of help is it?” “Al we don’t need any help!!” “I’m just curious Brother” You smirked “Well, she’s one of our best alchemist, she can definitely help you, and I know you’ll like her”. Then you hear a knock on the door “There she is, come in” the door opened and a beautiful girl entered the room, her long wavy black hair went down her back, her blue eyes looked exotic and her body was enchanting “You called me General?” she asked, Ed’s jaw reached the ground and Al’s expression was of deep surprise, you slipped to Ed-s side and poke him with your elbow, and whispered so only Ed could hear “Not bad huh? I told you, you would like her” Ed blushed, and then you smirked again and looked at Naomi “Yes Moon Alchemist I did”.

very good joob. it seems to have more description in it. i love all the ittle details that give the person while reading something to see with thei minds eye, thankyou that is great!
also while i was reading there where less and less spelling errors. very good. i woud like to hear the ext part though lol

haha i loves t very well done i love this last little bit here. Nice in my mind i saw this vry beautiful elegant girl walk in the room, the boys not expecting it, they are tottaly awe struck by her beauty and poise. i love it. you mad ethat part come to life good job. I do like all the different persepectives and the part whee Feanor tell Naomi to find someone all girls can relate with that one. very good !

Glad you liked it!!!

what about ch.2 i hate cliffhangers :[

I will probanly be done with it by tomorrow, but I-m glad people find this interesting

keep it up!! of course we do.

YAY!!!:)

hmmm so their partners right? yes im a slow person i dont catch onto things very fast...anyway its a good story are you gonna post chapter 2 here?

Yes I will post it and yes now they are partners

Moon... that was wonderful! :D It's an incredible improvement over earlier. Congratulations, and I can't wait to see the next part. Poor Ed... he's not gonna know what hit him... evil grin

Thanx

CHAPTER TWO

Naomi’s POV

When you entered the room you saw a blond guy with peach colored skin and big amber eyes and a black outfit, he was kind of short but he looked like a good person, beside him stood a giant suit of armor. The blond guy blushed at something that Roy said what could it be? you though” Moon Alchemist, I present you to Fullmetal, Fullmetal I present you to Moon Alchemist” you shacked his right hand why did it felt so hard? “Hi, my name is Edward Elric” “Hi, I am Alphonse Elric, Ed’s little brother” you smiled because of the innocence that he said it with “Nice to meet you both”. Roy called at you “Moon Alchemist I want you to team up temporarily with Fullmetal in his search for the Philosopher Stone” a look of shock appeared on your face when he mentioned the Philosopher Stone, but the you nodded “All right General” “Good, then why don’t you get to know each others better?” You bowed and headed out of the office and Ed and Al followed you behind.

Ed’s POV

So now you are teamed up with this alchemist, you had to admit she was not bad at all, she was indeed beautiful, but why did she was so shocked when Roy mentioned the Philosopher Stone? Now you three where outside the Military’s “Brother? ” you turned around “Yes, what is it Al? ” “She is really pretty isn’t she?” you looked at the Moon Alchemist and nodded “Yes, you could say she is but you have to be careful, woman can be wrapped in a beautiful gift wrap and have nothing inside” Al had an anime sweat drop. Naomi approached to them and smiled “ So where do you want to go?” You and Al where first startled but then you recovered “I don’t know?” you answered but then your stomach grumbled “Guess that we should go to eat first” Naomi said softly laughing, you blushed but followed Naomi with Al behind.

Naomi’s POV

You, Ed and Al entered a restaurant and all the gazes were directed to you, specially the male gazes, you looked for an empty table and found it at the corner of the restaurant, you directed Ed and Al to it and you seated down, you picked up the menu and a waiter immediately appeared by your side “So what will you like to order beautiful?” he asked with a wink of his eyes, you ordered something and Ed also did, Al said he didn’t want anything. When you were waiting for your order to come you faced Edward “So Edward…” “Please call me Ed” “Ok Ed, is it true that you became a State Alchemist at the age of twelve and that you can perform alchemy without a Transmutation Circle?” “Yes it is true. Why?” “It’s nothing , is that I wanted to see if what I heard was real, you see when I became a State Alchemist they told me that I was the second youngest State Alchemist and they told me you were the first, so I became really interested on you” “ Well, not even Mustang could get on my way of becoming a Sate Alchemist” You laughed, Ed was really funny, Ed smiled at you. “ Hey can you tell us your name?” Al asked you “My name, is Naomi Daidoji, but please call me Yue when we are in public” “Yue?” Al said puzzled “ Why do you want us to call you that way?” Ed questioned you “I have my reasons just please, call me Yue” you said looking down, Ed shuddered “Okay”. The food came and you started eating. Al asked you “Yue why did you became a State Alchemist?” “Because to do what I need to do, I need to be a State Alchemist and besides I know my brother would have wanted for me to become one” “You have a brother?!” Al asked startled, you putted your fork down and a sad look went into your eyes, remembering that dear person’s face “I had, he died a long time ago” Ed and Al saw a tear run down your cheek “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you” Al apologized, Ed reached out for your hand, you looked startled at his eyes, they were full of compassion, “I’m sorry, I know how it feels to loose someone you love” you dried your tears and smiled thankfully.

Ed’s POV

You quickly took your hand away from Naomi’s and blushed * Why did I grabbed her hand like that, why did I liked so much the feeling of it? * “It’s getting late, do you have somewhere to stay?” you reacted as Naomi asked you “Well, we…” “We don’t have were to stay” Al finished for you, Naomi smiled “You can stay at my place then. If you want” she kindly offered. You and Al looked at each other and nodded “thanks” you both responded.

Okay here is the second chapter, to make this clear, when you see this symbols * * is that the character is talking with himself on his mind, just to make sure:) Hope you like it!!!

Awesome!!

So what do you think???

hmmm thats a good story
but i notice that the main character is ALWAYS
beautiful in any story i read it says that...
anyway its great your a good writer

Thanks. And about the main character sorry I guess I got used to read it like that so much that I started writting that way.
Anyway thanx for your comment

girls=romantic stuff
DUH everyone should know that by now

Your awsome Moon i love your character to death she is so real to me she actually reminds me of one of my freinds. I love this entry it gives me a real feel for the characters and how they interact wiith one anouther. and i love your line "woman can be wrapped in a beautiful gift wrap and have nothing inside." this is so very true but i can tel already that this Naomi or Yue (does that mean moon because in Avatar Last AirBender there is a girl named Yue and she is much like your charcater very moon looking) Very beautiful freindship and maybe something more being played out here. you made me smile the whole time. i love it so very much this is really good work, but then again i love little love stories that are innocent an happy. very well done. 8)

Thanx, it really means a lot to me that you think so greatly about it!!!:) And yes Yue means Moon in chinease

thought so lol
haha i am smart sometimes when i am trying to be. hang on lets take off these Intellgence adding glasses (i dont really where glases lol)

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.... Ed's in looooove ^^ That was really good Moon. You are definitely getting better and better at this. The only thing I can really think of at this point is you might want to try focusing on each character's thoughts and impressions a little more. Naomi's are good, but you might consider looking back at Ed and Al. I know they just met, but Ed in particular is notorious for analyzing everything.

And I'm starting to think I missed the memo about writing in second person :P I've seen about 2 or 3 stories written in that style so far. Honestly I don't know how you guys can do that. It drives me nuts to write second. But that's just me so hey :)

Very good work Moon. Congrats and I look forward to the next part. :)

I'll be done with it in a little time. I will focus more on the characters thoughts and impression. Glad you liked it!!:)

It does mean a lot to me that you liked it. Since you and Lost were the ones that helped me improve. I own it to you guys!!!

awww.. ::blush:: Thank you Moon :) I love helping people whenever I can. Warms my heart in a way nothing else can :)

awww me so happy. i am so glad we where here to help, an author. i was thinking last night it so eat to actually be able to talk to the actual author of these stories because most the time when we read something we dont actually get to say to the author of a book hey this i really good, but you know you could have changed this. i really like helping people along with this suff because i find i am good at it and love it, i am also happy t help young authors cause you never know Moon maybe you will write a ook someday and get it published and i will be able to say hey i helped her along with a story. lol.
Keep it up and we will keep commenting on how good you are doing!

You guys rox!!!:)

I'll post the third chapter tommorrow

ok kewl

WHOOOOT !!!!

Chapter 3

Al’s POV

You followed Naomi and Ed out of the restaurant. You saw that Ed was starting to act a little strange with Naomi. *Can it be that he likes her? Probably * “We arrived Naomi announced, you saw a small house with a small balcony and a small garden with a Sakura tree, you followed Ed and Naomi inside. Naomi turned on the lights.

Naomi’s POV

You entered your house and turned the lights on, the house wasn’t such a big deal but it was pretty and comfy. You opened the door of a room “this will be your room for tonight” you showed to Ed and Al, there was a big bunk bed, a bathroom and a dresser. “It’s not much but I hope you feel comfortable” “Well be ok here, right Al?” “Yes” you smiled they were such cute guy “my room is next to yours if you need me” “thanks” Al said politely.
You went into your room, you took a shower and changed into your nightgown, it was blue and made of a very light fabric and adjusted to your body, you were about to go to bed when you remember that you forgot to turn off the lights of the kitchen, so you went out of your room, when you were coming from the kitchen, you noticed that Ed’s and Al’s door was a little opened and you could see Ed with his hair unloose and sleeping on his bed, he looked so peaceful and sweet, you blushed to deep red, Al was sitting on a corner, still with the armor on * Isn’t he hot in there? *.You continued walking to your room and dropped into your bed, but still you couldn’t take Ed’s face out of your mind. *What is this felling I get when I see Ed? *.

Ed’s POV

You woke up late at night, you heard a voice coming from outside your room, you silently went out of your room and noticed that the glass doors of the balcony were open and there was Naomi on the balcony, the wind moved her hair, her eyes shinned as she looked up at the sky, and her body was well marked by her nightgown revealing a bit of herself on her chest, she was singing a soft song:

Maybe it's intuition
But some things you just don't question
Like in your eyes
I see my future in an instant
And there it goes
I think I've found my best friend
I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

There's just no rhyme or reason
Only this sense of completion
And in your eyes
I see the missing pieces
I'm searching for
I think I've found my way home

I know that it might sound more than a little crazy
But I believe

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

A thousand angels dance around you
I am complete now that I've found you

I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life

Then she stopped singing and a sakura flower landed on her hair and another on her hand and she smiled. You were impressed on how beautiful she was, you specially loved her smile, you blushed crimson red and your hand started to go sweaty and your heartbeat went faster. You silently went back into your room, still blushing “You saw her didn’t you brother?” “Al! Keep quiet or she will hear you!” you went into your bed as Al laughed softly. “Could it be that I’m falling for her?” you questioned yourself.

That was chapter three, I know it's kind of romantic, but I promise that the next chapters will star getting interesting...

oooo is that I knew i loved you by savage garden or am i way off? haha i love it the imagery here is so enchanting and beautiful. and i love the fact that she sings whoot. singing is always good!! and the song is beautiful. and yes i would say the boy is in love (gives the hairy eyeball... batting your eyes lol) i love this beautiful but i cant help feel sorry for poor al he has no one to love. awwww i will love the little guy like a big teddy bear meeeeep. hahaha very good!

Yes it's Savage Garden andd don't worry I have something planed for Al;)

Ohh, I want to thank Blue Rose Alchemist because she was the one that initialy she was the one who inspired me to post my story here in the first place. Thank you :)

hahaha oooo good. lol awww that is so nice of you

"Give praise to those who praise deserve" I say :)

That is right girl!!

So I praise you Lost and Healing too:)

YAY for you!!! :D

awwww not me :[

Anyway your story is great!!
hmmm its an ED story right?

Sorry I forgot (how stupid of me)you and Red Lightning too:) and yes this is Ed's story

Red Lightning,who i know and real life and go to school too,said she cant go on the computer for some reason or another so she wont be posting for a WHILE

awwwwww... thanks for the praise Moon :) I liked your third chapter a lot. You're doing a good job setting up the mood, and your pov transitions are smooth. Even though I don't really like reading second person this is well done. You should be proud :)

wow you have a great imagination nice job

Thanx

It's really nice of you to continue reading my story even if it's so long. Thanx :)

Oh trust me hon, I'v read far longer :D I'm liking it :)

:D

very good i thin i read it alredy though lol. wonderfull the second time round. whoot she is so beautiul and you mad eher that way so good on ya.
everytime you post i will read and hopefully i will make better comments than te last few days. goodness i am getting like all weird with the no comments which really sucks for you and other writers got a lot in me mind i guess

No prob. I always liked your comments :)

haha we are on at the same time again whoot i love when that happens lol

Me too:)